Is It Okay to Cut Someone Out of Your Life?

The most popular post on my blog seems to be “Friendship vs. Power Struggles.” A lot of people are searching for answers on how to handle toxic relationships. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but here are some things I have learned.

It’s Okay to Cut Someone Out of Your Life

I grew up around someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive in the majority of our interactions. I spent my entire adolescence trying to “wait it out” and survive until I could leave home. When I was being solicited by colleges near the end of high school, I didn’t even look at the names or pamphlets for each school. I looked only at the return addresses and threw away anything that wasn’t at least two states away. In the end I went to a college that was seven hours away - and hated it. Like some people rush into bad marriages to escape abusive homes, I rushed to a college I should have known that I would hate, and I did it just because it was far away from my hometown.

Since then I have moved to the other side of the world. Sometimes I do miss my family or get lonely, but the safety and stability I have here have done wonders for me on a thousand levels. I probably sound callous, but something I love about living here is that 99% of the drama started over there has no way to touch me. I can finally start investing in my own life without other people storming in and kicking over everything I built just because they need more drama in their day.

If any of you have read Hunger Is the Best Sauce, you know that Michelle didn’t begin to heal from her traumas until she was someplace safe. I firmly believe that a safe, stable, and supportive environment is necessary for true healing to occur, and genuine forgiveness only comes alongside healing.

When you recognize that you’re in an abusive situation and you want to leave, or when you realize that you have a toxic friend or relative and you decide to cut them out, you will usually face a lot of opposition from other people around you.

Here are some of the most common things they say and why you shouldn’t listen to them.

“You Just Need to Love Them More”

This is a classic codependent argument that claims that it’s YOUR fault these people are so toxic. If you were more humble, more subservient, these toxic people wouldn’t be so cruel.

THAT IS A LIE.

Those people need to be responsible for their own lives and their own actions.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that they are toxic. And anyone who tries to blame you for their behavior either doesn’t understand what’s going on or doesn’t love you enough to have the right to tell you what to do in situations like this.

Now, am I saying that you don’t need to love them more? Not at all. In fact, I think you do need to love them more. We all need to love everyone more. But the problem with advice like “you just need to love them more” is that it sidesteps the issue - that the other person is destroying you - and shifts the blame to another problem without offering any solutions at all for the one you are concerned about.

Consider the person who gave you this advice. Are they also telling your toxic friend or relative they need to love you more? Or do the toxic people get a free pass because it’s always someone else’s fault that they’re mistreating others? Don’t let other people make this situation your fault. Take responsibility for your own attitudes and actions, but don’t take the blame for other people’s problems.

“You’re Too Weak - You Need to Toughen Up and Stick It Out”

This seems to be a favorite tactic among abusive, toxic people - hurting you until you break and then acting like you’re weak or emotionally unstable for not being able to take it. Then if you ever do try to get help, people think you’re just overreacting. After all, who would listen to basketcase you when your abuser seems so much more level-headed?

In reality, most people have no idea how strong you are. How could they, when every time you try to stand on your own feet someone comes and kicks your legs out from under you? Without someone constantly attacking you, you’ll finally have a chance to stand up tall. People around you might be surprised to find out who you really are now that your antagonist isn’t there to overshadow you.

“You’re Being Selfish”

This is a big one, and one of the most powerful perpetrators is the church. Religious leaders stand by and do nothing while bullies run rampant but if you decide to stop the flow of negativity you’re suddenly immoral.

While some Christians might not care and might just be trying to control you, most of them do care and are just trying to help when they quote scripture to advise you in this situation. Many of them either don’t know what you’re really going through and are just telling you the things that they’ve been told or they ARE in a situation just like yours but have been given the same hopeless advice.

They’ll say things like, “Jesus said to turn the other cheek,” and “Anyone who doesn’t forgive others will not be forgiven by God,” and “We’re supposed to follow Jesus’ example and He loved us even when we crucified Him.”

They’re not wrong to say these things. These things ARE in the Bible (Matthew 5:39-42, Matthew 18:21-35, Ephesians 5:1-2, Romans 5:6-11) and they are true. The problem is the context.

Even Jesus knew better than to trust Himself to everyone. In John 2:24-25, it says:

But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew all about people. No one needed to tell him about human nature, for he knew what was in each person’s heart.

Jesus was NOT all-trusting. He made a point of saying in John 10:18 that He laid His life down for us because He CHOSE to, not because someone else had power over Him and was taking His life from Him:

“No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.”

He knew how to guard His heart. Proverbs 4:23 says:

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

Your heart needs a gatekeeper. In Matthew 7:6, Jesus warns us to be careful who we share our deepest hopes, dreams, and visions with:

Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.

In the same way we must be careful what we let OUT of our hearts, we must be careful what we let INTO our hearts. The Apostle Paul urges us in Philippians 4:8:

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

So, based on these Scriptures, do you think you’re doing what God wants by subjecting yourself to a toxic onslaught of negativity and discouragement on a regular basis?

“But wait,” you say. “We’re still supposed to imitate Jesus, and He DID subject Himself to all kinds of evil people constantly.”

Constantly? Are you sure?

Look at Luke 5:16:

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Jesus removed Himself from toxic influences on a regular basis. He even removed Himself from influences that, arguably, weren’t that toxic. He was very careful who He kept around Him. During the Transfiguration, for example, he didn’t let most of his closest followers come along. He made sure that only the three men He had chosen would be there to witness it:

Six days later Jesus took Peter and the two brothers, James and John, and led them up a high mountain to be alone.

And most of the time when He withdrew He didn’t even let them come with Him. As you saw above, the NIV version of Luke 5:16 specifically mentions that He sought out lonely places. Why did He need to be alone? Look at the NLT version of Luke 5:16:

But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer.

Why did He go out into the wilderness so often? For prayer. And why did He need to pray so much?

He needed to be filled.

Listen carefully, because this is the key to everything.

You cannot love when you are empty.

Why do flight attendants always tell you to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others? Why are you supposed to throw a lifeline to a drowning person instead of jumping in to save them? Why can’t you love toxic and abusive people sacrificially like Jesus does?

You can’t save anyone if you are dead.

Let me say that again.

You can’t save anyone if you are dead!

Some of you are trapped in toxic relationships. You’re drowning and you’re suffocating. You know the only way for you to live is to remove yourself to someplace safe but everyone around you tells you, “Don’t! If you just stay and keep on giving it will all work out.” Or, “Don’t! If you can’t live without oxygen it means you’re weak. You need to suck it up and try harder!” Or, “Don’t! How can you be so selfish? The lifeboats are reserved for bullies. YOU stay on the sinking ship.”

Jesus was in perfect, unhindered relationship with God. His every wound was healed and His every need was met. He had everything He needed and more because His Father, God, loved Him so much that He was full of love and overflowing.

We are called to be like Jesus. We are called to love like Jesus, too.

But Jesus didn’t love out of His own reserves. He didn’t love out of Himself. He poured out the love that His Father had poured into Him. He never let Himself get empty. He didn’t need anything from anyone He served - no validation, no justice, no vindication, no affirmation, nothing. All His needs were met by God. Out of that place of wholeness, He loved sacrificially.

It’s Okay to Cut Someone Out of Your Life - And It’s Okay to Let Them Back In, Too

Sometimes we need to cut someone out of our lives because they are destroying us. They are taking more from us than we can get back. They are causing us all kinds of injuries that we can’t heal from. We must step back and find a safe place to recover.

But the goal of cutting ties isn’t bitterness and unforgiveness.

The goal of cutting ties is love.

You’re taking a step back. You’re taking time to heal. You’re finding space to breathe. You’re letting God bind up your broken heart and heal those wounds you thought would bleed forever.

Because once your oxygen mask is on, once the cracks in your heart are sealed and impenetrable, once your needs are met and you’re ALIVE again, that’s when you’re equipped to love like Jesus did.

Update on 10/26/2019: I’ve added a follow-up post here.