Forgiveness & Reconciliation
A while ago we talked about why it is okay and sometimes even necessary to cut ties with toxic people, and when it is okay to let them back into your life. But not everyone should be allowed back into your life. Some people are so dangerous to you that it would be absurd to require that you spend a moment more with them.
You don’t need to contact them, or talk to them, or meet with them, or even see them ever again.
But you MUST forgive them anyway.
Forgiveness Is Imperative
No matter what they’ve done, whether they’ve apologized or not, no matter how many times they keep repeating it and even if they don’t seem at all remorseful - you MUST forgive them.
Why?
Forgiveness Is For YOU, Not Them
Remember that story Jesus told about forgiveness? The one in Matthew 18:21-35? Look at its disturbing ending in verses 34 and 35:
“Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
“That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
This seems really harsh, right? But here’s what’s actually going on:
Unforgiveness is a sin. If you harbor unforgiveness - in other words, if you allow it to remain in your heart, instead of recognizing that it’s bad and trying to get rid of it - you are opening a dark door in your life through which evil spirits can oppress you.
Demons have the legal right to torture you as long as you are harboring unforgiveness. They can do this through physical afflictions like arthritis, but some of their most destructive tactics are the psychological assaults they launch in your mind.
For your own sake, you must forgive the person who has wronged you and let it go. In Romans 12:17-21, the Apostle Paul offers some good advice:
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,
“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,”
says the Lord.Instead,
“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads.”Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Let’s look at the beginning, verse 17:
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.
Why does Paul say never to pay back evil with more evil? So that everyone can see you are honorable.
It’s about you, not them. Don’t try to pay back evil with more evil because then you would be publicly dishonoring yourself.
“For your own sake,” Paul is saying, “don’t embarrass yourself by trying to get back at someone who has wronged you. Let God handle it.”
And He WILL handle it. He promises He will at the end of verse 19:
“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,”
says the Lord.
Instead, Paul says, you should show kindness to your enemies. What? Why? Look at the end of verse 20:
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads.
If you live in such a way that no one can criticize you, your innocence will stand out clearly (Philippians 2:14-15). If your attacker has a conscience, they will be forced to face the fact that they were in the wrong when they mistreated you.
Sometimes, though, it may seem that not all toxic people do have consciences. Some people are very brazen. But you should forgive them anyway, again, for your own sake, so you can finally get closure and move on.
I’d like to point out what Paul says here at the very end, verse 21:
Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
If you try to take justice into your own hands, you are allowing evil to conquer you. If you try to judge someone for what they have done or take revenge because of it, you are in the wrong, because God is the judge and He will take revenge. You’re leaping onto God’s throne and trying to shove Him off of it so you can deal with things in your own way, even though God has seen the big picture of history since before the dawn of time and certainly knows more about what’s going on behind the scenes than we do.
If you try to play God, your sin will give evil the legal right to conquer you, to make you its subject, to own you and to do with you what it pleases - which we know already won’t be pleasant.
Forgiveness Is Not a One-Time Thing
I often have the miserable experience of thinking I’ve forgiven someone and then realizing I haven’t. Sometimes I genuinely do forgive them but running into them or dwelling on the consequences of the ways they wronged me cause me to “UN-forgive” them, if you will.
Other times I think I have forgiven someone when I haven’t because I hadn’t previously acknowledged just how much they really hurt me. Sometimes I minimize my pain and think that something doesn’t matter just because I feel it shouldn’t. But at the end of the day, that pain is still lurking, unresolved and unhealed, in my heart, and until I let it go and let God heal me I can’t fully forgive the person who has hurt me.
Jesus said we must forgive seventy times seven times. Most people understand that not to mean a literal number but to mean that we should keep forgiving infinitely. Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it is necessary, and we must be vigilant to keep forgiving.
Imagine a dirty, leaking sack of decomposing carcasses, putrefying waste, and stinking, rotting food. Imagine the revolting sight and retch-inducing stench.
That’s what unforgiveness looks like. In the spirit world, everyone can see your baggage. Demons swarm to it like flies. Its potent, nauseating smell attracts them from the darkness.
Every time you make the choice to forgive, even if you don’t want to, even though it isn’t easy, you’re casting that sack away from you.
But when you see that person who abused you, or you meet that toxic friend, or you get another disparaging phone call from that narcissistic relative, any wounds that aren’t yet healed are in danger of stirring up old feelings and old fears in you. And then you have a choice: pick that sack up again, or let it go.
Please, for your own sake, choose forgiveness. Let it go.
But does that mean you have to see that person ever again?
No. Forgiveness is only about you. It has nothing to do with the other person at all. Forgiveness is a one-man show.
If you’ve truly forgiven someone from your heart, however, you might desire to see the other person. You might want to let them back into your life. You might be ready, now that you have taken time to heal and to forgive, to love them the way Jesus does.
If that’s the case, you might be interested in reconciliation.
But here’s the catch:
Reconciliation Takes Two People
It’s not enough for you to want to be reconciled. The other person has to want it, too. And, since you’re probably reading this because the person you cut ties with was a toxic drain on you, let me warn you: you cannot reconcile with someone who is unrepentant. Just like Jesus helped people but knew better than to trust them, you can try to help people who remain unrepentant, but you should not let them into your heart.
You Can Help Them Without Letting Them Destroy You
An unrepentant person is someone who is continuing to do the same old things without remorse. If they haven’t changed, they’re just going to do the same old things to you again. You should approach them like a doctor treating someone with the plague. As long as they are unrepentant, they cannot and should not be trusted. Remember the analogy of the oxygen mask? They destroyed you once. You took a step away and healed. You’re here to help them now, but you can’t rely on them for validation, affirmation, or anything else. You have to get those things from God and God alone. Whenever you’re around this toxic person, you must make sure they don’t infect you with the plague again.
But what if both parties are willing? What if the person you cut ties with has recognized the toxic drain they were? What if they have taken steps to heal, too? What if they are ready to pursue a healthy, life-giving relationship with you?
The Beauty of Reconciliation
That’s great! And now you are both free to enjoy each other’s company in a new and wonderful way because being around each other strengthens and encourages you both instead of harming you.
This is exactly the kind of relationship God delights in, because it teaches us about the kind of relationship God wants to have with us. He longs to be reconciled to every person in the human race, but not everyone is ready or willing to be reconciled to Him. He understands your pain perfectly because He’s been going through the same ordeal Himself for almost all of history.
A lot of people think that God is cruel for “sending” some people to hell. But hell is only separation from God, and some people demonstrate by the way they treat God and others that they can’t live in a peaceful, life-giving community. They would just destroy it. God gives everyone the chance to heal, the chance to change from a life-drainer to a life-giver, but some people prefer war-mongering and death. Eventually, God allows them to have what they prefer. Just like it’s not wrong of you to cut ties with someone who demonstrates by their actions towards you that they have no love or respect for you, it’s not wrong for God to separate Himself from people who despise Him.
Have you been one of these people towards God? Don’t worry. He is slow to anger and has compassion on all that He has made. He is eager to forgive you if you come with a repentant heart and want to be made right with Him. You don’t have to be alone in your anguish anymore. He can heal you so that you can truly thrive.
And that’s exactly what He wants to do.