Breaking the Cycle of Narcissism

Have you ever met a narcissist? Here are some common characteristics of narcissists:

There have been a few narcissists in my life over the years. While most haven’t been physically abusive, all have been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. Because of their self-focused nature and inability to respect others, narcissists can be incredibly toxic to those around them. I have grown to hate being in relationships with people who are like this.

When I was growing up, I didn’t have the option to remove myself from destructive situations. Becoming an adult and moving to Korea has opened up a wealth of peace I never had before because now I have the freedom to protect myself from harmful situations and relationships by leaving them. If people start to get abusive I can walk away. Nobody is telling me to stay. Nobody is allowing my abuser constant access to my life. Nobody is telling me that love means letting people walk all over you, again and again and again.

My Crisis with God

This was a major issue for me for years. I knew that God was good. I knew that God loved me. I knew that God loved everyone.

But if someone was abusing me, and Christians were regularly telling me not to hold it against the abuser, but to try to “love them more,” to “turn the other cheek,” that gave me real confusion on the issue of God’s love.

I knew that God loved my abuser. That’s His nature. He loves everyone. He extends the chance for mercy and forgiveness to all of us, no matter what we’ve done.

I’m fine with that.

But if God’s love for them meant I had to be a doormat and just take it…how could God really love me?

For years I struggled with this.

I was told, over and over again, by the church, by Christians, by my family, that the appropriate response to abuse was “love.” And what was love?

When I looked at Jesus’ words and His examples, there seem to be no happy answers:

So, were all the people who did nothing to protect me right? Were they right that standing up for myself was sinful and unloving?

There seemed to be a lot of evidence in the Bible for sacrificial love. For continuing to give even when others kept on hurting you. For not holding their sins against them.

But I burned at the injustice of it. Didn’t God love me? Didn’t God love me, too? Or was God like everybody else? Everybody else, who wanted so badly to prove that they could love my abuser that they were willing to let every vicious word and deed go unanswered and unpunished?

I loved God, and I knew that He loved me, but there seemed to be a disconnect. Just like I loved my parents and I knew that they loved me but couldn’t understand why they allowed things to continue as they did and even encouraged me to keep on putting up with it.

If loving others meant allowing myself to be destroyed, how was love any different from suicide? The only distinction seemed to be that love killed you slowly and drew your anguish out.

For years I endured the abuse of narcissists and finally broke free of it.

But part of my breaking free meant that I began to stand up for myself in a lot of ways I never did before. When I don’t want to do something, I don’t do it. When others say things I don’t like, I stop listening. When other people want to change my plans, I reject their input. When my friends invite me to activities I only go on my own terms.

My reaction to being abused by narcissists was to become a narcissist.

Today God gave me a revelation about narcissism and the long-term effects it can have.

Narcissism is a self-perpetuating cycle.

I was abused by self-centered narcissists, so now I feel entitled to be self-centered myself, to make up for the time my own needs were neglected.

Many narcissists were also abused and undervalued in some way. They learned that others wouldn’t meet their needs, so they learned how to get what they needed themselves. They learned that nobody was looking out for them, so they learned how to live in their best interests. So what if it was at the expense of others?

Just like me, they feel entitled to be selfish now because they weren’t allowed to have their needs met in the past.

So now I have a choice. I can continue looking out for my own needs, to make up for the way they weren’t met in the past, no matter what it costs those around me. Or:

I can choose to break the cycle of narcissism by voluntarily laying my life down.

I’m not turning the other cheek because I have to or because someone else is making me. Not even because it’s the right thing to do.

I’m turning the other cheek because if I don’t, I allow that self-entitlement to grow in me, and if I don’t nip it in the bud, someday I will be just like the people who abused me.

What about Jesus?

I realized I was wrong. Jesus talked about turning the other cheek, forgiving seventy times seven, and sacrificial love. He died for people who hated him and didn’t care about what He had done.

But was He a doormat? No!

He spoke His mind to people who deserved it. He recognized the tricks and traps of Pharisees who weren’t sincerely serving God but just themselves. He said some pretty outrageous stuff to them and didn’t pull His punches.

And did He die because He had to? Did He wish somebody would protect Him but felt forced to give His life because “it was the right thing to do,” even though it killed His soul inside?

No. In John 10:18, Jesus said,

“No one can take my life from me. I sacrifice it voluntarily. For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again. For this is what my Father has commanded.”

Look at that:

I sacrifice it voluntarily.

For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to.

Does God require me to show love to bullies when it damages my soul? I don’t think so. I think that when we aren’t sacrificing voluntarily, we aren’t showing love - we’re showing fear. And there is no fear in love.

But when He’s healed us sufficiently so that we can begin to lay our lives down voluntarily, there is great power in that.

When I choose to turn the other cheek, not because everybody says I have to, not because I’m afraid that God won’t love or like me if I don’t, not because I’m worried that the bully will fight harder if I stand up for myself - if I turn the other cheek because it’s my life to give and I am choosing willfully to lay it down for the sake of stopping the narcissistic cycle - that’s when the power of abuse is broken.

That’s when I’m giving freely because I first received. That’s when I’m finally loving because I first was loved.

That’s why James 2:13 says mercy triumphs over judgment.